truth

The confrontation happened when he returned from work.

I heard his key scraping in the lock. A sound I normally associated with two half's of a whole being returned to each other was now an unwelcome one.
I always wait for him by the door when he comes home, and he always expects me there. A ritual I thought nothing of until it was taken away from me. Today I am in the sitting room when he finds me, his laptop in front of me.

"You alright?" X's voice is thin, there's a hint of panic
I finally look at him, my eyes red from crying. No, I'm not alright.

*

to be continued..

the end, and the beginning

 
The raindrops shine like pearls and my tears shine with them. I hold his photos in my hand. I am sick.

*

I suppose you're wondering why I left, and wondering who SHE is.

X had not been entirely faithful. There were indescrepencies.

I found out one rainy afternoon. We'd been living our lives so peaceful and content as us two, I thought our world unbreakable. 
The rain hammering on the windows matched the hammering of my heart. I swam lost in my own mind and my legs threatened to stop me with every step I took.

I made my way to the kitchen, to the back door. I passed the fridge where we'd stuck photos of us. I understood the secret joke the couple in the photo were laughing at now, I pitied my naivety in the photo and hungered for it.

I rip them down and clutch them to me as I slam open the door and look up into the rain. The sting as it hits my eyes, the heat of it prickling my skin. I start to cry.

The raindrops shine like pearls and my tears shine with them. I hold his photos in my hand. I am sick.

good vs bad

Last night I stayed up watching old films from behind my douvet and for once felt blissful in my solitude. Lost in worlds others had created for me, I was an explorer and a jilted lover and travelled the world. 
I drank champagne to myself and only went to bed when the birds outside told me I must.

Walking upstairs a strange realisation hit me and made me laugh so loud the noise startled me....

Whenever I watch films I always sympathise with the bad guy.

loneliness

"So you and X?"

"Definitely over" I say,  bubbles of the champagne hitting my nose and making my eyes water as I take a sip, and then another, and then the waiter is refilling my glass.

I walk home hours later and smile at how drunk I am. The champagne is a poison in my veins and I welcome its numbing embrace. When the laughter of the party has left the ringing in my ears and Red has gone to sleep, the deafening quietness engulfs me and my happiness ebbs away

*

Loneliness is a dear friend with it's hands around my neck

leaving

Today I left our home and felt nothing. It was a cold evening though I hadn't noticed. The trees waved goodbye at me in the twilight as the wind threatened to snap them if they didn't.

Red drove me to my new house. The orange street lights shone at me through the rain smeared windows questioning me with their insolent brightness. I wanted him to come after me. His parting words where to ask if I wanted to sign a birthday card from the both of us.

"No, because then it means we're still a couple"

He brushed his lips against mine and I turned away from him into the night. As I walked away lilly petals fell from the plant I was still holding, crushed and bruised from his hurried embrace.

*

My house is a house but it's not a home. Lilly is my only companion and she mourns they way I cannot. It has been less than a day and most of her petals have fallen, she looks as though she is crying.

pearl black and ash lilly

I sit in the bath after everyone has gone to bed wearing nothing but my pearl earrings.

I let a cigarette burn away through my fingers, ash falling on the water and floating like fragile Lily pads before they crumble to nothingness. I only get out when the water turns cold and the house is so quiet I cant bear it.

*

I make the decision to leave and never regret it.

cracked vase

We are talking again, always talking talking. The words fall like autumn leaves, dead and decaying and I am left staring at the empty branches. His excuses are waring thin.

"Lets go for a drink?"

There is silence at the interuptal, I've stood up during a well rehearsed speech and announced I'm bored.

"Yeah sure, our usual place?

I smile and nod

*

X looks me up and down as I clink my ice cubes against the heady medicine and let it warm me.

"Do you ever feel suicidal?"

"Of course" I shrug "Who doesn't hold a cracked vase and think about smashing it"

"Its not normal..."

Now I laugh "Show me someone who thinks they're normal and I'll show you a liar"

you are the cosmos

Funny how a three storey house can feel so small. The silence was a deafening thudding in my ears and no matter how many curtains I pulled open my shadows still followed me. I thought about how she had been here, how he had allowed HER into our home.

And suddenly it wasn't my home and I wanted to be far away from it all.

*

I took brioche and tea and sat on a bench in the park and watched people walk by. I stared so long and hard at these ants marching past that my tea went cold and the brioche went untouched.

I fed it to the pigeons. Everyone seems to hate them. Flying rats who carry disease. But humans carry more disease and they get to eat.

should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?

I didn't dream last night.

I drifted between wary consciousness and restless sleep. My thoughts were of him, and us, and HER. I awoke to dawn creeping in and the house creaking as it's morning inhabitants stirred.

Something was about to happen.

*

I joined him for morning coffee and knew it was our last. I stare into his eyes, dark and empty as water and try to read his mind but there is nothing there.

I add sugar to my bitter coffee and shudder as the cold day traces its fingers down my back. We make small talk about dinner, the weather, and plans for the weekend but our voices sound so thin the words might fall and shatter around us at any time.

He leaves the house and I am alone again.

secrets

It was easy to pretend everything was the same. I dreamt that it was and I made that dream my reality. I accepted this poor reflection of us and drifted between what we were and what I hoped we would be.
We're fine.

Out with others I put on a worthy performance. He didn't know that I knew. They didn't know any different. I was both the puppet and the puppet master. Pretending was almost as good as the real thing. I clung on to the last fragile strands of our relationship, by the end of the night they had slipped through my fingers. Lying next to him in the stillness I listened to his steady breathing and felt his warm skin against my hand as I clumsily tried to hold his without waking him. I couldn't bear to be near him and couldn't bear to leave his side. I watched him, absorbing every detail and committing it to memory before dawn would arrive and the spell would be broken.

I had to tell him.