truth

The confrontation happened when he returned from work.

I heard his key scraping in the lock. A sound I normally associated with two half's of a whole being returned to each other was now an unwelcome one.
I always wait for him by the door when he comes home, and he always expects me there. A ritual I thought nothing of until it was taken away from me. Today I am in the sitting room when he finds me, his laptop in front of me.

"You alright?" X's voice is thin, there's a hint of panic
I finally look at him, my eyes red from crying. No, I'm not alright.

*

to be continued..

the end, and the beginning

 
The raindrops shine like pearls and my tears shine with them. I hold his photos in my hand. I am sick.

*

I suppose you're wondering why I left, and wondering who SHE is.

X had not been entirely faithful. There were indescrepencies.

I found out one rainy afternoon. We'd been living our lives so peaceful and content as us two, I thought our world unbreakable. 
The rain hammering on the windows matched the hammering of my heart. I swam lost in my own mind and my legs threatened to stop me with every step I took.

I made my way to the kitchen, to the back door. I passed the fridge where we'd stuck photos of us. I understood the secret joke the couple in the photo were laughing at now, I pitied my naivety in the photo and hungered for it.

I rip them down and clutch them to me as I slam open the door and look up into the rain. The sting as it hits my eyes, the heat of it prickling my skin. I start to cry.

The raindrops shine like pearls and my tears shine with them. I hold his photos in my hand. I am sick.

good vs bad

Last night I stayed up watching old films from behind my douvet and for once felt blissful in my solitude. Lost in worlds others had created for me, I was an explorer and a jilted lover and travelled the world. 
I drank champagne to myself and only went to bed when the birds outside told me I must.

Walking upstairs a strange realisation hit me and made me laugh so loud the noise startled me....

Whenever I watch films I always sympathise with the bad guy.

loneliness

"So you and X?"

"Definitely over" I say,  bubbles of the champagne hitting my nose and making my eyes water as I take a sip, and then another, and then the waiter is refilling my glass.

I walk home hours later and smile at how drunk I am. The champagne is a poison in my veins and I welcome its numbing embrace. When the laughter of the party has left the ringing in my ears and Red has gone to sleep, the deafening quietness engulfs me and my happiness ebbs away

*

Loneliness is a dear friend with it's hands around my neck

leaving

Today I left our home and felt nothing. It was a cold evening though I hadn't noticed. The trees waved goodbye at me in the twilight as the wind threatened to snap them if they didn't.

Red drove me to my new house. The orange street lights shone at me through the rain smeared windows questioning me with their insolent brightness. I wanted him to come after me. His parting words where to ask if I wanted to sign a birthday card from the both of us.

"No, because then it means we're still a couple"

He brushed his lips against mine and I turned away from him into the night. As I walked away lilly petals fell from the plant I was still holding, crushed and bruised from his hurried embrace.

*

My house is a house but it's not a home. Lilly is my only companion and she mourns they way I cannot. It has been less than a day and most of her petals have fallen, she looks as though she is crying.