the end, and the beginning

 
The raindrops shine like pearls and my tears shine with them. I hold his photos in my hand. I am sick.

*

I suppose you're wondering why I left, and wondering who SHE is.

X had not been entirely faithful. There were indescrepencies.

I found out one rainy afternoon. We'd been living our lives so peaceful and content as us two, I thought our world unbreakable. 
The rain hammering on the windows matched the hammering of my heart. I swam lost in my own mind and my legs threatened to stop me with every step I took.

I made my way to the kitchen, to the back door. I passed the fridge where we'd stuck photos of us. I understood the secret joke the couple in the photo were laughing at now, I pitied my naivety in the photo and hungered for it.

I rip them down and clutch them to me as I slam open the door and look up into the rain. The sting as it hits my eyes, the heat of it prickling my skin. I start to cry.

The raindrops shine like pearls and my tears shine with them. I hold his photos in my hand. I am sick.

you are the cosmos

Funny how a three storey house can feel so small. The silence was a deafening thudding in my ears and no matter how many curtains I pulled open my shadows still followed me. I thought about how she had been here, how he had allowed HER into our home.

And suddenly it wasn't my home and I wanted to be far away from it all.

*

I took brioche and tea and sat on a bench in the park and watched people walk by. I stared so long and hard at these ants marching past that my tea went cold and the brioche went untouched.

I fed it to the pigeons. Everyone seems to hate them. Flying rats who carry disease. But humans carry more disease and they get to eat.

should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?

I didn't dream last night.

I drifted between wary consciousness and restless sleep. My thoughts were of him, and us, and HER. I awoke to dawn creeping in and the house creaking as it's morning inhabitants stirred.

Something was about to happen.

*

I joined him for morning coffee and knew it was our last. I stare into his eyes, dark and empty as water and try to read his mind but there is nothing there.

I add sugar to my bitter coffee and shudder as the cold day traces its fingers down my back. We make small talk about dinner, the weather, and plans for the weekend but our voices sound so thin the words might fall and shatter around us at any time.

He leaves the house and I am alone again.